Its official. I am suffering from the Mommy syndrome. For me the Mommy syndrome includes signs like Momnesia,mild psychosis and possibly lowered confidence levels. Let me explain.
As far as Momnesia goes,I sthink I suffer majorly from it.I tried to deny this fact for a long time but I knew there was a problem when I saw that I concentrate way too much than necessary while remembering names or some song whose tune haunts me or just day to day stuff like need-to-buy-more-milk. For the daily stuff I used to earlier make a lot of lists now I forget to make the darn list!! These Moms have even more interesting stories to share. This aspect troubles me because I have always prided myself on being so ‘pulled together’ and organized. And now I am ,let me just say it- a little shabby in such matters. This is my usual state of being.I wonder is it because I have too many things screaming for my attention and hence I ignore the things down the priority list or is that becoming a Mom starts making you a little stupid anyhow. I also have a very short attention span now- whether for reading ,surfing the net or even general conversation.
I am also developing psychotic tendencies wherein I imagine all sorts of horrible scenarios revolving around the Munchkin. Some of them are a product of my creative mind and some of them are borrowed horrors from other Moms. We stay in a gated community but I am still getting a home security system installed. I freak out if we are in a shopping mall and the Munhckin races and turns into an aisle and I cant see him for that split second. The worst effect of this has been on my driving. Now back in India I have been driving to and fro from work for nearly 4 years through some of the worst traffic clogged roads in Pune and Bangalore. My driving skills were on auto pilot. My reflexes were super honed. Now here, I am getting used to a right hand side drive and hence am super alert while driving. This gets compunded when the Munchkin is with me. I drive so defensively that I am literally shitting bricks. Even while I am passing through my green light I am furtively glancing to the sides to see if some idiot broke his red light and is careening into me. And this in a country where people actually follow traffic rules!!
Its just that when it comes to my son, I am taking zero chances. I hate this new me. I used to be so effortlessly confident about everything but now I have irrational fears about everything which stresses me out. Like I can never relax while driving, my mind is super alert ;its like I’m buzzing. I don’t open the door to even the courier delivery guy. Once my husband leaves for office the day, I open the door only for him or maybe a neighbour who pops by to say hello. I carry my cell phone with me even to the bathroom thinking that if i slipped and fell, I’ll atleast be able to call someone to come and get the Munchkin.
I think these irrational fears coupled with the fact that parenting involves a lot of second guessing has affected my confidence a little bit too. You know we are always making up and changing our minds about parenting techniques so probably that fickleness peters into our other spheres of life too. I find myself doubting other things I do more than I used to when I wasnt a parent. Things like, will I be able to get a decent score. What about that job offer? Will I be upto it now? Should I really call so many people for dinner? How will I manage?Should we go for that vacation?
Sundry everyday things like these. Things that I wouldn’t have spent more than 2 minutes deciding on, I find myself deliberating upon for hours now. These niggles highly bother me, because I believe that attitude is everything. I don’t like this new unsure me at all. I am right now systematically working on ridding myself of these doubts and anxieties I have and changing my thinking.I don’t want this to dip my confidence levels and make any dents into my self esteem. God knows parenting has been humbling enough.
Although to completely contradict whatever I have written here, being a Mom has been liberating. Like I don’t care so much about what people think of me anymore. I don’t care whether I look pretty enough, or successful enough or what- have- you. I am not afraid of being judged. My son’s unconditional love has set me free. I believe and can feel it in my bones that I can do and be anything I want to. I am more satisfied and content with my life. I am becoming more and more of my own person ,learning to like and love and cherish the real ‘me’.
Now if I could only drive like a free bird, remember to buy tomatoes and not worry so much about every child sex offender making a bee line towards my house, life would be perfect. Sigh.
Have you ever felt any or all of the above ? And was it markedly different from when after you had kids? Is this a phase or a permanent personality change?
I can’t remember now because it was waay back but I do think that most of it is normal. I mean I went through this super alertness for a long time, before I learnt to relax
Re: safety of the child I do think I was more hyper in the US than I am here, even though I know for a fact that it’s safer there than here. I guess it’s just the media there that made me feel sex offenders were always around the corner.
As for the confidence and momnesia I wish I could blame momminess for it, but I was always a bit absent minded. As a result, I never buy expensive phones etc. Confidence bit, came back once I got myself a job.
As for the satisfaction, yes I agree. I feel liberated now, but I also attribute it to age. After hitting the 30’s I no longer care that much what people think of me!
First time here
Yes, I suffer from momnesia too and I was this super organized person once. Can’t believe it!
I am paranoid about my daughter’s safety. We live in an independent house with a big compound and I never let her play by herself there. I am scared somebody will come, open the gate and take her away.
Earlier, if some body had told me I would be like this, I would have laughed at them.
I had momnesia all though Ash’s first year. But somehow since she turned 1, I have started seeing her as a big girl and its intensity has reduced. She still falls and hurts herself, but I don’t go all psycho like i used to. During the first year, I have cried alongside her so many times. I do make lists, I love making lists. I have even made timetables about what to feed her everyday- breakfast, lunch and dinner! It helps me stay sane
Sex offenders?! I am with Ash 24X7, so I don’t worry about it.
I have never had any jealousies and hardly cared what other people thought of me even before I had Ash, so that still hasn’t changed- Thank God.
I think Momnesia is a phase that all of us mommies go through. Maybe its a shield for our lil one that we create.
oh yes i know what u mean… i suffer majorly from it
we should tell each other these things – somehow knowing other people feel it too always makes me feel better! (not in a sadistic way!!! he he)
will be back with more elaborate comment – have to rush to school to pick up the kids, but i had to stop by and say that i feel all those thing too!!!
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i have always been a bit of a scatterbrain and i have been using momnesia excuse liberally and throwing it at mayunk every now and then!
i think all of us feel an element of paranoia, though i have rarely had a bad bout of it! sometimes i feel me being so chilled will take me on a guilt trip! bah!
as always Avanti, brilliantly honest stuff!
hugs!
Hi!
I saw that you linked to my “Momnesia The Book” blog. Thank you for that! I have to chime in and say that I, too, get really freaked out. There are many times when my three-year-old is standing right next to me, holding on to my leg and I’ll panic and think, “Where is Claire?! She’s gone!!” One day recently I had to watch my friend’s 18-month-old and I was holding her — actually *holding* her — and I had that momentary panic of “Where is she??” Then I looked to my right and there she was, inches from my face. S I G H. But I guess these instincts are good ones – even if they are a little overactive right now…